Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
