Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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