Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
if only i could text you this smell
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Mom said you looked used
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
