Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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