she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
