My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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