he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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