I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
