theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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