oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
