And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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