he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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