I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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