I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
