so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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