please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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