I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
