Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Randomize
