Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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