so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Randomize
