He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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