Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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