I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
