I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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