Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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