if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
