I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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