I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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