guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
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