you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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