Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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