Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
