Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
