you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
