I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
