Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize