Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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