I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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