So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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