im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
