my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
