I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
