There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
