I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Randomize
