So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
