I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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