i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
