Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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