I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
