Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize