my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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