after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Shame - the story of my life.
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