my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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