My sheets look like a crime scene.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I love you.
Bad choice
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
