im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
