Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
