Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Randomize
