I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
