Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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