I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize