this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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