every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
