Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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