i was rollin on her like bob the builder
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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