sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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