I wannas sexs uuuuu
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
